Many say or at least my mom says, that she never knows what I am going to do next. Some say that I am a loose cannon or at least two sisters of mine think so. Some say I am a doormat, that I let others walk all over me or at least my ex girlfriend told me so. Many ask, where are you going? What are you going to do? I just say, I'm in the mist of discovering her and knowing where I want to be.
Maybe you might think some of those same things after reading my ramblings or just possibly you can relate, relate to me. It was a year an half ago that things in my life really took an unexpected turn. In retrospect, I can pinpoint the beginning of that, three years prior, all the way up to the exact moment, and now almost to the exact same date.
I was being drowned, submerged, sunken all the way to the bottom of the pool, pushed all the way through my water tube, unable to rise, unable to surface for a breath of air, helplessly buried underneath the weight of another.
This was my sign which I knew, I acknowledged, and I accepted it, that change was coming. See water means emotion and I took it to mean that I was about to go deep under in emotion with the same someone who submerged me. That was the day a relationship began, a soul connection, a chance to know myself in ways I never thought of. I fell deeply in love with a woman. My first and maybe my very last. We became inseparable and yes, my life did change dramatically. Some would say I did the unexpected, I'm a loose cannon or a doormat or maybe I just took a detour. I know that I haven't come back up for air since except for a few moments of pure unadulterated bliss where I have gotten on my knees to thank God for the connection.
Our paths came together very quickly. I was there for her when her son almost died in a car accident, her home foreclosed, and she had to claim bankruptcy from the financial ruins of 2009. She apologized to me for coming into her life at the worst time. I told her it was the perfect time.
To give her son a reason to live, I suggested enrolling him in a music school and having her move in with me. What a blessing that was for all of us at the time. Her son's life began to turn around and suicide was never an option again. Faith was restored back into herself through our soul's connection, our spiritual curiosity, and my never ending questioning of the metaphysical world, which is her life.
My life started to drift out of my grasp as I struggled to bring life back into hers. I left 23 years of teaching in which my heart couldn't bear another year of, after being so tired, so burnt out, and begging to know what else I am meant to do. In the meantime, we both agreed as part of our relationship that she would support my retirement and I would support her writing while she built her business back up. I helped self publish her book and created a website for her business. We both put our whole selves into our relationship. And then she left. She said she lost herself. I think the one who did was me.
I am not sure where all the time went, but here I am today, alone and at the bottom, breathless, unable to gasp for air. Financially, I am stripped of all my savings, selling my home, and looking for substantial work to give me something to cling to. I am trying to fight my way back to the surface, to breathe again. I am needing to step outside, get some air and remind myself of who I am and who I am meant to be. This is what I am learning about who I am:
I worked overtime in my romantic heart of mine, fixing up my house, spending lots of money trying to make it a home that she would want to move back into. I got so invested in that dream, proud that I have worked all those years teaching, and could show for it in the ownership of a home. I realize now, that it was all an emotional investment. Things change. Nothing stays the same. I can always get another one and to just enjoy the gifts it brought me at this time in my life. I am appreciative.
We were separated for three months after she moved out but came back together like an electric eel producing hundreds of volts of electricity, an undeniable charge of energy, which I mistook for love. We vowed to each other a forever, never wanting to be apart again. We just didn't know how it would look. She left me several more times or I would say, she probably ran from the pressure of it all. I can't feel anything anymore from this roller coaster of craziness our relationship has turned out to be. I have figured out, that there is actually a time for everything, and a time to just let one go. I am strong and courageous.
After ten months of denial, I took a part time job, one that I refused to do after telling everyone that I couldn't possibly work at that store. I would say, I couldn't stay in there that many hours. It would just over stimulate me! Well, it turned out to be my saving grace and kept me distracted. That job may be feeding me scraps but there is always a reason for everything. Who knows, the skills and the experience, let alone building my confidence back, can be of use in ways I am not aware of yet. I am thankful.
I've been applying for many jobs in the publishing industry, fantasizing how great it would be to learn the business. It doesn't work that way and it is not that easy to do. To get a job, you need to be young, have some prior experience, to live in New York, and mostly not to go through third party job boards. The only jobs I got bites on, were the ones related to teaching. Upon looking at the expenses to relocate, and realistically having the experience for those jobs, maybe what I need as my next step, might be right here. So I started searching other avenues of employment, letting go of what I had my heart set on. I am resourceful.
Most importantly I got in touch with my soul's calling, my love for children's literature, and I began to write. I wrote nine children's stories. I found the "what else" that I am meant to do with my life. I was so infatuated with my writing and the magical flow of the words, that I submitted it to every possible literary agent in hopes of being represented. It doesn't happen that way. I just need to keep writing, expressing myself through written words, and work on my stories. I am a writer.
The last five years have been very symbolic to the drowning in the pool that day, as I look back on this part of my life, these experiences. I am going through the exact same feelings but without the water, without the tube, without the weight on top of me.. her, and not being able to move or breathe. Had I known this is what it would all have meant, would I have taken these steps to be where I am at today?
My mom still is wondering what I might do next. My sisters are probably still waiting for a loose cannon to go off, which has yet to happen. And as far as being a doormat any more, I don't think so.
I am following my heart and dreams, to know myself in ways I have never thought I was possible of. I am learning to step outside, get some air, to remind myself of who I am and where I want to be.
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