A Sunday Evening Hello ~1

October 5, 2014

Hello!
Having my first weekend here off was so needed for a recharging even though I can’t say I took advantage of that. Saturday’s must was a visit to the Farmer’s Market in the pouring rain giving my (EB)rain trench an initiation with the New York weather. It worked famously with only my calves down a wee bit drenched. The bell peppers had an aroma like none you have ever smelled. Carrying off with my treasures after saying ado to some wonderful friendly vendors, I set foot for my first grocery shopping experience, a new library card, and some red rubber dog boots at a local Furry Friends store knowing I had a bladder filled dog at home waiting for her morning walk. 

Upon arriving at home to the chipper bark on the other side of the door, I couldn’t wait to show Penelope her new boots. She took to the boots with NO care in the world! I was shocked how easy it was as we squished squeaked our way to the elevators. Now it took her a few days, with me having to drag her, with all four paws not budging, into the elevator. So these boots where a piece of cake. Penelope is such a sport adjusting to her city life. Thank goodness it was only lightly raining as we headed out for a spot for her to pee.

Can you picture me pulling a mini shopping cart(like luggage on two wheels) down the city streets, up and down stairways, through the security gates at the subway? Well, I’ve acquired one. Becoming a New Yorker slowly but surely. After looking at my loot at the check out later that day, all the way in East Harlem at the Target store, I knew I needed one to help me get back home. I enjoyed this venture even though I was a bit tuckered from my morning, at least it wasn’t raining any more. Had a nice tour on the bus of Harlem, past the Apollo theatre, cross town to the only Target in Manhattan, and yes, two trains later, all for a laundry basket and a few essentials. Then to do it all in reverse.

I’ve meet so many interesting and really helpful people…from a nice man, while waiting for a bus back, after putting my car in storage the day I moved in, gave me the run down on the Metro cards. A dog walker introducing me to the rubber boots for Penelope, on a drizzling day at the park, of where to purchase them. An owner of Pizza Hero’s who giggled at me when I wanted to pay with a debit card and they only took cash. He knew I was new to the hood and began to tell me all about it while sharing pictures with such joy, over the house he is building back at home in Greece. To a train rider who showed me how to use the security gates from that grocery cart experience. Many others, even a woman on the elevator, who is a dog walker that lives on the third floor, volunteering to walk Penelope any time. 

As for today, my intention was to finishing unpacking and get more organized but I was distracted with an urge to do more exploring. We took a long stroll with Penelope at Inwood Hill Park, stopped for hot tea (Many of the stores here are so pet friendly!), another pet store visit to learn about the Halloween dog parade the neighborhood has, talking to my bff on the phone, to writing to all of you while listening to my new Barbra CD. I hope this eases your minds for some of you in your thoughts about how I am doing, adjusting, and getting along. Now that my feet are wet “so to say” at work, this coming week will be busier. I will post pictures when I can.
Love to you ALL! Miss you.

Big hugs and doggy kisses,
Jane & Penelope

My Dearest Love and Best Friend

When I turn away, turn me back around. 
When I try to leave, keep me in your heart. 
If I react and say things, know I am only speaking to myself. 
If I push, step back so that I remember to fall into your arms. 
If I fight, just look into my eyes and tell me you love me anyway. 
Sometimes I forget who I am, and in those moments you remind me... Remember.

Love..it expands beyond the illusion and never dies. 
I have never invisioned my life without you ever. 
I couldn't fathom that thought into reality. 
No riches, no material goods could ever take the place of the love I sustain for you. 
I knew when I first heard your voice in prayer...that's her.

I fell to my knees thanking God for you with such joys. 
Now I'm on my knees with gratitude and in the greatest despair of my life.

I believe in love, love with another. 
Life without it just isn't gratifying or fufillling, pretty lonely and hard with no one to share in lifes vast journey. 
Geese fly in groups in V formation because it is easier then flying alone.

Love is the Power to change the world. 
Where you learn how to come together in partnership, feel cherished and supported thru commitment. Yes, that kind of love takes work, that love can make quantum leaps to fulfill each others destiny.

So if you ask if I am ok? 
I never invisioned my life without you.
I wish I could say I choose you, our egos are having a party with this heart break. 
But I didn't choose you. 
You were already chosen for me, we just had to hang on.

God wouldn't be disappointed would he? 
I always thought twin flames join to become ONE.

In these moments when you forget who you are, I will remind you and look into your eyes to tell you, I love you.

I love you!

A Stubborn Love

I have a stubborn love for you. 
The kind that makes me scream, 
makes me mad, 
makes me want to shake some sense into you, 
shake some sense into me. 

A stubborn love that has me envisioning
holding you at night until I fall asleep, 
and making a wish for you while looking up at the stars. 
Just a plain ol' stubborn love 
that let's go enough so forgiveness 
and healing can be shared. 

I love you. 
I don't want to not like you. 
I do think this stubbornness wins out in love
for I do not want any harm to ever come to you, 
especially not from me. 

I just need you to live life the best way you can,
feel joy that moves you to desire more, 
more of you, more of love, 
more from life,
more then we've shared,
more then I have given you,
Because I have a stubborn love for you.

What "HOME" Means to Me

“Home is the people you are with.” When I heard this today, it made me bawl…well, it did. I instantly felt a connection to those words. I felt a deep intense knowing that described me to a tee. When after all these years, I’ve been trying to think of what home really meant to me?”  My soul (my being) over the past four years, has had this tremendous longing for home, a tug at my heart to just to be home. 

At first, home to me meant; making a home with someone not the place but sharing life with someone, that was where my home was. Slowly it evolved into a searching, a calling you could say, from a sixth sense that somewhere in this great big universe, up in the sky, the stars, is a place that I came from that I call home. Of course, other then the earth itself. Then I moved onto the feeling that is was a place inside of me: a place of peacefulness and I take it with me wherever I go.

Today, I am thinking home is very much inside of me. It arises from the depths of your being if you allow it. Home is the people you are with, whether it is yourself, your relationship or partner, your friend, your coworker, even your pet. It is in ALL, in everything. Home is always that in which you can connect to and express outward to the universe. Home is that piece of you, the light inside that comes out wherever you are at in the moment, stirring and opening the heart to a place of peace.

This peacefulness that washes over you, this feeling I call home, could come in many ways. It can come from your connection to the simplest of things like:  taking depth breaths, being in mediation, laying in someones arms, sight of spastic doggy greetings, the creamy inside of a doughnut that soothes all your tastebuds, driving down the street on the block where you grew up as the sight of your family home emerges, a conversation with someone you really don’t know and smiles appear unexpectedly, a text message out of the blue from someone you care about who is thinking of you, rereading your written words that flowed easily onto a page, tingles from the sparks of your imagination, and from the warmth of a hot shower upon waking on a real cold morning. It is basically everything that makes you feel alive in that moment.

Home is what we are all really working towards, desiring, needing, seeking, striving, longing for. Home is the remembrance, an awakening of a knowingness inside, a familiarity, a calling, a connection, an emotion in ones psyche. The peeling away of blockages-the walls around our hearts, letting the light shine in, awakening home slowly, each time we experience the connection to it all that brings peace within, is home.

I know that is nirvana, that is heaven, that is the oneness, that is the light, that is the home inside all of us. I am so grateful for the things that remind me of the feeling of home; the people, the places, the treasured memories, the tangibles of life, the quietness of nature, the sharing of ones heart, the harmony from the oneness of it all, that’s home. Home is LOVE.

I Love You, I Hate You

I love you 

I hate you

I miss you

I can’t wait to get away from you.

I’m excited by you

I don’t want to be near you

I melt into you

I breathe when I’m away from you.

My imagination is full of you

I feel empty without you

The seconds are my own

The hours are yours.

My dreams give me courage

Your stares make me weak

Your voice is soothing

Your quietness haunts me.

You and I are confusing

Our love is simple

We are better alone

Our souls are one.

I love you

I hate you

I miss you

I am going away from you.

In My Own Little Corner, In My Own Little Chair...

Maybe it was partly due from growing up in a household being one of nine kids

but I often found myself drifting off into my imagination and becoming

a character from the books I’d read or the movies I would watch.

Fairy tales stories captivated me the most with Cinderella, being my favorite. 

I would sing over and over again Rodgers and Hammerstein’s song from the movie, 

“In my own little corner in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be.

On the wing of my fancy I can fly anywhere 

and the world will open it's arms to me…” 

That is why writing is so appealing to me.

I can easily escape into the world of 

the words and images magically flowing in my mind, where the world is wide open,

in my own little corner in my own little chair.

to be continued...

Love Comes In

Tears rolling down

gathering in pools below,

reflecting back to me the pain and sorrow shown on my face.

Within each breath of stillness, gratitude wants in,

puppy kisses licking up each drop,

renewing me with love.

There is so much that surrounds me,

but one, black and speckled with spots,

needs me most.

Within each brown eyes gaze,

reflecting back to me, joy and loyalty shown on her face.

Puppy squirming with delight, waiting to be loved,

love comes in.

Sometimes You Need to Step Outside

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and where you want to be.

Many say or at least my mom says, that she never knows what I am going to do next. Some say that I am a loose cannon or at least two sisters of mine think so. Some say I am a doormat, that I let others walk all over me or at least my ex girlfriend told me so. Many ask, where are you going? What are you going to do? I just say, I'm in the mist of discovering her and knowing where I want to be.

Maybe you might think some of those same things after reading my ramblings or just possibly you can relate, relate to me. It was a year an half ago that things in my life really took an unexpected turn. In retrospect, I can pinpoint the beginning of that, three years prior, all the way up to the exact moment, and now almost to the exact same date.

I was being drowned, submerged, sunken all the way to the bottom of the pool, pushed all the way through my water tube, unable to rise, unable to surface for a breath of air, helplessly buried underneath the weight of another.

This was my sign which I knew, I acknowledged, and I accepted it, that change was coming. See water means emotion and I took it to mean that I was about to go deep under in emotion with the same someone who submerged me. That was the day a relationship began, a soul connection, a chance to know myself in ways I never thought of. I fell deeply in love with a woman. My first and maybe my very last. We became inseparable and yes, my life did change dramatically. Some would say I did the unexpected, I'm a loose cannon or a doormat or maybe I just took a detour. I know that I haven't come back up for air since except for a few moments of pure unadulterated bliss where I have gotten on my knees to thank God for the connection.

Our paths came together very quickly. I was there for her when her son almost died in a car accident, her home foreclosed, and she had to claim bankruptcy from the financial ruins of 2009. She apologized to me for coming into her life at the worst time. I told her it was the perfect time.
To give her son a reason to live, I suggested enrolling him in a music school and having her move in with me. What a blessing that was for all of us at the time. Her son's life began to turn around and suicide was never an option again. Faith was restored back into herself through our soul's connection, our spiritual curiosity, and my never ending questioning of the metaphysical world, which is her life.

My life started to drift out of my grasp as I struggled to bring life back into hers. I left 23 years of teaching in which my heart couldn't bear another year of, after being so tired, so burnt out, and begging to know what else I am meant to do. In the meantime, we both agreed as part of our relationship that she would support my retirement and I would support her writing while she built her business back up. I helped self publish her book and created a website for her business. We both put our whole selves into our relationship. And then she left. She said she lost herself. I think the one who did was me.

I am not sure where all the time went, but here I am today, alone and at the bottom, breathless, unable to gasp for air. Financially, I am stripped of all my savings, selling my home, and looking for substantial work to give me something to cling to. I am trying to fight my way back to the surface, to breathe again. I am needing to step outside, get some air and remind myself of who I am and who I am meant to be. This is what I am learning about who I am:

I worked overtime in my romantic heart of mine, fixing up my house, spending lots of money trying to make it a home that she would want to move back into. I got so invested in that dream, proud that I have worked all those years teaching, and could show for it in the ownership of a home. I realize now, that it was all an emotional investment. Things change. Nothing stays the same. I can always get another one and to just enjoy the gifts it brought me at this time in my life. I am appreciative.

We were separated for three months after she moved out but came back together like an electric eel producing hundreds of volts of electricity, an undeniable charge of energy, which I mistook for love. We vowed to each other a forever, never wanting to be apart again. We just didn't know how it would look. She left me several more times or I would say, she probably ran from the pressure of it all. I can't feel anything anymore from this roller coaster of craziness our relationship has turned out to be. I have figured out, that there is actually a time for everything, and a time to just let one go. I am strong and courageous.

After ten months of denial, I took a part time job, one that I refused to do after telling everyone that I couldn't possibly work at that store. I would say, I couldn't stay in there that many hours. It would just over stimulate me! Well, it turned out to be my saving grace and kept me distracted. That job may be feeding me scraps but there is always a reason for everything. Who knows, the skills and the experience, let alone building my confidence back, can be of use in ways I am not aware of yet. I am thankful.

I've been applying for many jobs in the publishing industry, fantasizing how great it would be to learn the business. It doesn't work that way and it is not that easy to do. To get a job, you need to be young, have some prior experience, to live in New York, and mostly not to go through third party job boards. The only jobs I got bites on, were the ones related to teaching. Upon looking at the expenses to relocate, and realistically having the experience for those jobs, maybe what I need as my next step, might be right here. So I started searching other avenues of employment, letting go of what I had my heart set on. I am resourceful.

Most importantly I got in touch with my soul's calling, my love for children's literature, and I began to write. I wrote nine children's stories. I found the "what else" that I am meant to do with my life. I was so infatuated with my writing and the magical flow of the words, that I submitted it to every possible literary agent in hopes of being represented. It doesn't happen that way. I just need to keep writing, expressing myself through written words, and work on my stories. I am a writer.

The last five years have been very symbolic to the drowning in the pool that day, as I look back on this part of my life, these experiences. I am going through the exact same feelings but without the water, without the tube, without the weight on top of me.. her, and not being able to move or breathe. Had I known this is what it would all have meant, would I have taken these steps to be where I am at today?

My mom still is wondering what I might do next. My sisters are probably still waiting for a loose cannon to go off, which has yet to happen. And as far as being a doormat any more, I don't think so.

I am following my heart and dreams, to know myself in ways I have never thought I was possible of. I am learning to step outside, get some air, to remind myself of who I am and where I want to be.

A Hug

Have you ever missed someone so much

that your insides just continually shutter?

When you close your eyes, breathing in, letting those feelings flow, 

with tears trickling, one by one,

and all you want to do is just give them a hug?

Sometimes you have a friend who can be a little booger

and totally causing much grief.

Not understanding why they do what they do

or why they are so afraid of love,

But all you want to do is just give them a hug.

They pull away, scared of what they are feeling

not knowing what direction to go.

Grumbles and growls, unkind words spoken

being unsure of how to handle the changes,

But all you want to do is just give them a hug.

No matter what may be said, no matter what may come,

the connection can not be broken.

The heart knows, always knows, this is the one

even when they fight those feelings, 

But all you want to do is just give them a hug.

Is this how you feel in those moments 

as thoughts of someone floods your mind? 

When no words, indifferences, or distance can cease the love

awakening you in unexpected ways,

and all you want to do is just give them a hug?