A Sunday Hello ~ 19

Momma,

Only as I keep getting older do I truly understand and embrace the beauty of motherhood. Being child number 8 leaves me the beauty of being part of the second wind of motherhood or the experience of the eighth time around which comes with advantages I’m sure, no more deer in headlights or what do we do with this one or lets perfect and correct from experience, but more of a live and breathe mode as life was up and running with the previous seven. My honorable spot was being seated to your left at dinner time, perched on the couch during every riveting soap opera event, and observant of your attention to detail in every task all the way to the way you wrapped presents, nothing went done without care and a touch of love added to it.  

I have drifted in and out throughout all my 53 years as your baby girl, your Eliza Dolittle…Jane Elizabeth on some occasions, staying in touch, extending my love and more times than not needing yours. With my life being distant not only in what I shared, but in miles too, often left me in tears at all our goodbyes in person and on the phone. I have learned, I have felt, I have treasured the place in my heart where I can tap into quite easily, the space filled with immense love for you. It leaves me breathless at times, and made my heart swell to the brim over the last year or two with my move to New York City. Two people believed in my journey without a doubt, without hesitation, and YOU are the biggest cheerleader of the two. Yes, you mom, who has been always there, always cheering me on, always in all ways, extending your love, I just didn’t quite believe I could or should deserve it. You were there for me when I was ready to receive your love. 

With my eyes wide open in utter joy, I have walked the streets of New York City with you, conversing over the phone every step of the way, sharing in the wonderment that life has come to for me. Expressing what I see and feel with you has heightened my experiences here. Oh, what joy I have when I drop my little tidbits of journal writing in the mail to you, all the way to Park Forest, home, home where I know I can always find you. The pleasure you share with me over each and every one has brought even more of an appreciation to my life, for my life. Not only do I look at New York with brand new eyes, in the array of wonderment with each step, each energetic pulse the city has to offer, but I bring you with me, in my thoughts, in those conversations in my head, which sometimes come to you with a phone call or in a letter, but more times than not in my wonders…I wonder what mom would think, I bet she would love this, I know she would love to hear about this one, to the most often felt emotion…I wish she was here with me right now.

I am so thankful for you in ways I’ve come to know as a woman, as a mother, as a teacher, as a writer, as an adventurer seeking out her life's calling, a sense of you always with me, a part of me in all I do. Thank you for walking along side me. Thank you for upholding me when the weight of the world seemed to consuming. Thank you for your spirit, your soul, you and birthing me into being. Thank you mom. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day from your number eighth child of nine.

ps… I wish you were here with me right now.

Yours,

Jane Elizabeth, Eliza Dolittle

May 3, 2016

A Sunday Evening Hello ~ 18

My Sunday Hello From NYC, 

Life has been moving right along here in New York City, sometimes at breakneck speed other times, the speed of a turtle BUT never at a standstill. I have been bus hopping, subway stopping, taxi hailing, to being chauffeured door to door this past week. Crazy beautiful, even glamorous is the best way to describe my life here. I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, peering at the reflection on the marbled walls, yes, that’s me, experiencing the grandeur of the city, stunned at how different life has become for me. From sitting at a teacher’s desk lesson planning to drinking in the stunning views from one of the finest entertainment venues in all of New York, Jazz at Lincoln Center-The Appel Room. Tucked into my seat at this venue, I had one of my New York moments. Sitting there, I was amazed by the dramatic 50’ft glass wall behind the stage. Through the glass view, was New York City’s greatest backdrop-Central Park and the Manhattan skyline, overlooking Columbus Circle and the traffic below. Undeniably alive, pulsating heart racing, symphonically in-tuned with the traffic below, tears stained cheeks of joy from these dream like moments, find me continually in a state of awe-my life here in New York City.

A heaviness fell on my heart this week amongst the hustle and bustle of the city, as I try to stay connected to all I know; reading FB posts hearing about the loss of loved ones, seeing pictures and feeling the physical distance from those I love, and not having the words to console, not even myself; viscerally realizing how important life is and how fragile it is all at once. I find myself reading the stories, some very personal, some humorous, glancing at the sayings that inspire others, pausing at the photos, and mostly loving the comfort this social network has given, through the changes, the sorrows, and the celebrations of life.

New York Fashion week has arrived in the city, where the style and spirits of the crowds gather around the runways abound, as the temperatures plunge. My style to say the least is devastatingly, time-staking painful to watch and to do. Layers upon layers before I finally sinch up the three little buttons on my coat, as I head out the door emerging into the coldest weather yet, that I have experienced since I have moved here. Uber, subway, taxi, walk…the choice to make, is the quickest way out of the cold, that’s for sure.

As I write, snuggled under down filled blankets, warm from the bitter arctic chill outdoors, exhaustion is setting in. With my hair astray, jammies on, eyelids drooping—Penelope and Moxie require my attention, nudging closer and closer, waiting for their chance for a treat and a potty break one last time before the lights go out. It has been a fun-filled day trying on clothes from a NYC designer at Madewell, walking into a fairy tale of couture gowns by Jacqueline de Ribes exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, to the pallet pleasing delights from the boulangerie, Le Pain Quotidien for lunch. Today's fun, this Valentine’s Day, has been a welcomed joy, even from the bitter cold.

At the museum exhibit today, a quote from Jacqueline de Ribes, inspired me;

“Glamorous people bring something to others. They are seductive, attractive—and it has nothing to do with frivolity. Glamour sticks to people. An object is not glamorous, but places where people go are glamorous. That's why New York is the glamour capital of the world.”

My life is rather glamorous at times, mainly due to living in the metropolis we call, New York City. Glamour can exude from anywhere, from anyone at any time, I believe when you follow your heart. Within the playful innovation and unbounded freedom of following your heart in life and work, like Jacqueline, there is a celebration of all who embrace their individuality and follow their creative vision, wherever it may lead, even if it takes you to New York City!

Love, hugs and doggie kisses,

Jane and Penelope

02/14/2016

A Sunday Evening Hello ~ 17

Penelope and I have been on our own little venture today. We have finally landed at our last stop, Columbus Circle Holiday Market. Yummy diet of hot chocolate and doggie treats, haircut at Lily's on UES, visiting ol' friends and boss at Pier 1(I loved it!), shoe shopping and boot shine, with a new harness in hand, a stroll through Central Park, 2 buses later and a train ride yet to go...Miss Penelope has been oogled, sweet talked, petted, butt sniffed, carried and walked, now People watching for a welcomed reprieve before we get busy holiday shopping and then home. I love my girl!!!!

Love, Hugs, & Doggie Kisses,

Jane & Penelope

• ❤ 🐶

x

12/05/1025

A Sunday Evening Hello ~ 15

A quick Sunday Evening Hello from New York City...It's been 1 YEAR!!!

Went out and about today doing what I love to do here in New York, being amongst children’s books and those who love them too! When I read, “Little Elliot, Big City”, where the big city holds many new and challenging experiences, I felt so connected to this story and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to meet Mike Curato, the author at his new book launch, “Little Elliot's, Big Family”. Rays of sunshine pours out of me each and every time I step into this realm, the writing world and that of children's books, that I can barely feel my feet moving on the ground.

It has been one whole year, YAY!!!, since I’ve moved here to Manhattan, being free to follow my inner longing, which is something I am doing just for me, a HUGE shift from where I used to be. Wow!! What a ride and some of the best moments ever…getting clarity about my career, building my new life, having fun getting to know different people, and mostly…building a community of friends. There is still so much change going on in my career and it sure does help to have some emotional support on FaceBook with all of you, and from my new friends here in the city.

Looking back on the year in amazement, and how all the turn of events keeps pushing me onward, is simply beautiful. From a day at Random House, Scholastic event, the Hamptons, Lindy's NYC Visit, Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Meeting many children's authors, books festivals, film screenings, bee festivals, EB White Celebration, the "King and I", subways, buses, and taxi's, being on CBS Sunday Morning News at the Grolier Club, the fireworks, all of Penelope's adventures, Philharmonic in Central Park, summer movies on the pier, museums upon museums, Grand Central Station during the holidays, the Grand New York City Library, lake house in CT, and a new community of friends...BOY OH BOY!!!

I could never have dreamt this journey as well as it is going. Being in the city feels so natural, so easy, as if something bigger and grandeur is in play then just lil ‘ol me. I love it!

"What’s better than a cupcake? A friend to share it with! " ~MC

Thank you all!

Love, hugs and doggie kisses,

Jane and Penelope

10/2015

A Sunday Evening Hello ~ 16

My Sunday Hello from NYC,

So magical, dazzling, instantaneous delightful my adventures have been, especially Christmas Time in New York City!

From my very first exciting moment seeing the yellow Macy's star balloons coming towards me in the Thanksgiving Day Parade a year ago, to this very moment, laying on my bed listening to Christmas Carols with good 'ol Penelope snuggled up against me, I have been in love with this city.

As a parent with my own children, I would observe this exciting time of year in the technicolor screen from my home in Arizona.

Back then, on Thanksgiving morning, I watched the parade eagerly waiting for Santa Claus to make his appearance, shouting across the house to the kids, "Hurry Santa is coming!" knowing that the holidays have officially began. A few days later, watching New York's most famous tree come aglow at Rockefeller Center while enjoying the wonderment of sparkles on our own tree. Oh, and many New Years' Eve's ushering in the New Year by counting down to "One!" as the colorful crystal ball dropped in Times Square. What a spectacle! Never did I imagine that one day I might be living in New York City and experience all this enchantment firsthand.

Here is a photo of me today, on my last stop before heading home to Miss Penelope, glancing out the windows 20 flights up, in an exquisite apartment amidst a lovely group of people, smiling, laughing, and celebrating the season. Touched. Touched by my life.

On my bedroom floor, I see out of the corner of my eye, a suitcase propped open awaiting to be packed for my Christmas trip home to Arizona to see my kids, loved ones, and friends. I wonder what it will feel like to be back? I keep telling Penelope that we have a big trip coming up, barely able to contain my excitement, as her ears perk up each and every time, which is probably 1/2 dozen times a day lately! I had a slight dose of what it might feel like when I faced time with my Chicago family,(Karen Saalman Barnett, Susan Allgood, Pat Saalman Schultz, Laura Saalman, Debra Saalman Belcher, Leenie Saalman Keyes, and Scott Saalman, my brother and sisters!) during their yearly Christmas Party yesterday. Tears rolled down my face, not able to contain the love I felt upon seeing all their faces, as I walked around, showing them my apartment, and Miss Penelope, yep, in her spot on my bed. Pure bliss! I imagine, I will be a blubbering fool, with pools and pools of tears from the joy upon seeing, touching, smelling, and loving on my kids in 4 days!

So Magical, dazzling….is life along with the joy and peace of the season here in the Big Apple.

Love, hugs, and doggie kisses,

Jane and Penelope

12/20/2015

A Sunday Hello From NYC ~ 14

My Sunday Hello From NYC,

“Please help me find my way, where my dreams come true in ways that are unfathomable to imagine”, was my daily mantra from not so long ago, crosses my mind. There are dreams you have, wishes you would love to have fulfilled, and miracles that bring inspiration, joy and delight in life, which keep pushing you onward, time and time again. I never imagined, sitting here in this moment, that my life would be filled with dreams, wishes, and miracles that continually flow and transpire right before me since moving to NYC.

Traveling about the city, whether I’m working or on one of my fantasized excursions I’ve dreamt of, brings the world right at my feet, literally. Everything imaginable and then some exudes from the pulse of life all around NYC…infamous horse carriage rides in Central Park, strolling along 5th Avenue high-end living, sights of the iconic Empire State Building, the expansive art exhibits at the Metropolitan Museum, the lit-up marquee’s on Broadway leering to the seekers of musical entertainment, taxi’s upon taxi’s in a blur of yellow zipping along the streets, historic brownstones quaintly decorated with flowering boxes of colors along the stoops, the artistic flavor of Greenwich Village, to the electronic buzz of Time Square where millions of people flock each year, with so many tasty delights to choose from including the multitude of street vendors, but after settling in and learning my way around, I found life here is really a gift, including my visits to the Hampton’s, a nice escape from the city.

Here I sit in a rocking chair on the deck, far away from the cacophony of the city, surrounded by carefully landscaped greenery, with gardens in full bloom, a buzz of pure loveliness that beholds my eyes, always amazed in the grandiose style that life has become for me, since moving to NYC. 

Here I sit gazing at the pool, reflective of sparkles on the crystalline surface, beckoning a plunge in my naked glory, with an assortment of trees; the big oaks, Cryptomeria, blue spruce, and white pines towering in a majestic line, on the outskirts of the surrounding gardens.

Here I sit, as a sweet melodic serenade of wild life floats through the air, while minuscules of insects make their way in and around the array of perennials, while breathing in the hodgepodge of fragrances, with an occasional waft of cedar reminiscence of old campfire days, is carried along in the breeze.

Here I sit, at my friend’s cottage in the Hampton’s enjoying a whole other phase of NYC living, with fresh air and sandy beaches, to exploring the specialty shops along Main Street, invitations to dances and cocktail parties on prior visits, and the delights from this beautiful yard surrounded by the gardens of flowers, trees, and statuary for Penelope and her pal, Moxie to run around in, having a ball. 

This visit, my escape from the bustle of the city, was for relaxation, enjoying the arts fair and farmer’s market in beautifully picturesque Sag Harbor, bbq dinner with friends, and exploring new nature adventures with Miss Penelope in tow, maybe even going to the Montauk Point Lighthouse before we go. The Hampton’s is filled with lavishly styled living, to where everything feels like a celebrity experience, where I feel privileged to be a part of, one I never dreamt of but a wonderful miracle, that has transpired before me. Pinch me, is this real? I do feel that the world has opened up right here, where I am in life, filled with such gratitude at this very moment- a delightful gift.

Love, hugs, and doggie kisses,
Jane and Penelope

A Sunday Evening Hello ~ 13

My Sunday Hello From NYC With A Love Letter to My Family and More

Hearts broken…

Right now in this moment a mixture of emotions is running through me and my family as we celebrate and yet grieve all at once, a remarkable woman, who has etched her soul upon our hearts deeply, as she lays her body to rest, knowing her spirit will live on in many ways, reverberating her beautiful love like a butterfly taking flight. She has planted seeds that have sprouted and will live on in each of us, in all we do but saying goodbye is hard. Moments, minutes, to months and beyond our goodbyes will linger until we meet again. So much love to you, Luella Vanosdell.

Goodbyes are tough, excruciatingly unbearable in which you could easily lie to yourself and say, “I’ll get through this, it’ll be alright, just you see, time will heal this pain.” But the pain you must feel, there is no escaping it. Many goodbyes have torn me up over the years. I never did NOT shed a tear as the last school bus pulled away, with the end of another school year fading in the distance. Running back into the classroom, slowly releasing, grappling at my chest as I tried to catch my breath, trying not to make a sound for what would come out would echo off the walls of the barren room is a shrill that would be worse than fingernails on the chalkboard. I loved my community of little learners with every ounce of energy that I could give, and they had given back tenfold in innumerable ways. Even the goodbyes of loved ones passing, of lovers parting, of furry friends laying limp in your arms, grief is so incomparable. Leaving Arizona was one of those goodbyes.

As each day came nearer and nearer to leaving, the looming goodbyes were painfully apparent. As each visit with my family was elapsing, I couldn't take my eyes off of them, even upon departure, having the knowiness that it will be some time before I may see them again. 

I remember vividly, backing out of the Arizona driveway, with my chest heaving in tears after saying goodbye to my daughter, Lindy. I felt as though I had swallowed my heart. I only drove a short distance until I stopped and put my head against my steering wheel, sobbing with a wail that echoed into the quietness of the car, with poor little Penelope pushing her nose up against my hand. I wanted to scream as I tightened my grip upon the steering wheel. I hated saying goodbye.

It was almost 30 years ago, when I backed out of a driveway, very similar in emotion as this, when I headed out West to Arizona from Chicago, alone for a teaching job taking with me then too, chunks of my heart, watching my mom and dad waving goodbye. I had a gift, a gift I have now too, and that is the gift of my families love with me, pushing me on, guiding me, empowering me to keep striving for what is calling inside of me to do. For they are a part of my creation, every joy, every earth shattering Freakazoid panic, to every enlightened discovery, is shared with them, for they are always by my side, invisibly but solidly anchored in my heart. Each step I take, they are with me; Drew, Lindy, Abe, and Mark.

Hearts filled with LOVE…

There are moments you wait for all of your life, desires, emotions, to live and experience love through. NYC has encased within it, many miracles, as I follow my own inner ramblings as the adventure keeps unfolding but you can’t do it alone. Sometimes I have lapsed, forgetting how much I want this change in my life, losing the courage, the strength, and wallowing in deep fear. I had a few who were a constant support, who in turn when I couldn't do it for myself, I did it for them, my family.

Knowing I had someone, that being Mark on the other end of the line, waiting to hear from me each night as I made my way to NYC, to sweet surrendering of unwavering faith from Abe as I laid upon the hotel bed literally not knowing what 1 + 1 was anymore, to Drew’s voice on the phone always excited to hear from me, and my Lin Lou, texting me and texting me, bleeding her emotions all over the phone, wrapping my soul in her love, knowing I was finding my way for all of them, as I was finding my way for me. Talk about a powerhouse of reciprocated love!

My family silently, has been my glue to where I can not see me without seeing them a part of me in all I do. I thank them in ways that only God can be the witness too. As much as I need to be here, as much as I need to breath, I need them as they need me…beautiful.

To this very day, Mark has been my best friend with hours and hours of phone conversations, Drew, Lindy, and Abe unbeknownst to them, my ocean of love that feeds me, seeds me, inspires me to keep discovering more of who I am, their mom, Jane. Even though we are apart in distance and in time, (yet love is timeless), our love is strong. Our worlds are simultaneously spinning. We do not know what each day will bring, or how each moment will transpire, or when we will see each other again, we know we matter, and we love, we are not separate.

A very special thank you to my sister, Leenie, who was the bookend (that very few people would want or were), the witness to the struggle, the racking your brain end, the unknown, the disappointment, the heartbreak, the uncertainty, with the devastation of one part of your life ending, her personal love and support were and still are a gift, a true gift of love.

Where has my life taken me up to this point with whom I’ve known and whom have known me? With one, a definite rip in the tapestry as time and space expands, yielding a loss, a grief, but a new found welcoming of gratitude for each thread still woven into my journey of life. Many others a new found closeness, as I awaken with each word I type here, bringing us together in moments of sharing oneself, discovering newness for life once again. I thank you all! Not only have you found me, I’ve found you! Valves that have been rusted, valves that were only seeping have now been blown open. Thank you all for what you share here on FB, your world, your thoughts, your love. You amaze me and bring touchstones to my heart.

I did not get here alone and my loved ones are with me, always with me as yours are with you.

Love, hugs, and doggy kisses,

Jane and Penelope

A Sunday Evening Hello ~12

My Sunday Hello from NYC,

Now that my landing gear is fully extended, use of Google Maps almost non existent, timing of subway departures in sync, a symphony of sirens, horns, and the steel hum from the underground tunnels along with the conglomeration of street performers a beautiful melody, views of the skyline still breathtaking, I am a little restless and struck with bouts of missing my family this week. Maybe it’s just a sampling of the winter blues coming to an end? Whereas, I have to say, it has been an interesting week here in NYC. With inklings of spring and then a blast of snow and back into inklings of spring. My height of joy this week came from celebratory news from a friend, long and overdue in our worldly timing of things, although well deserving, to the lows from a change in plans(long overdue as well), to a fun-filled weekend with an afternoon in meeting and hearing talented authors and artists present their new books at my favorite bookstore, Books of Wonder! 

When you feel like you’ve conquered Mt. Everest(being my move to NYC), you just want to sit at the top and enjoy it for awhile but No, not me! These breathers, the in-between times, are hard when you feel like you just made the first few laps around the race track and you are in the lead…you want to keep going, right? I guess I’m trying to be patient, because I can feel the creative energy pulsating, inner excitement rumbling in my tumblings, as I wait for more fun changes to come. It’s gradually starting. Today, I came across a couple of books to read for research so to say, for my own stories, mixed in with some of the picture books I was searching for at the library. Odd, yet I know differently. Odd things excite me and there are no accidents! Furthermore, I keep hearing my inner voice having conversations with me about my writing, thoughts about things to write, streaming in spurts like a pulsating water sprinkler. Usually when I’m NOT at home to write! It looks like my stories are going to be placed on the front burner again now that I am gliding into spring and feeling at home. Yeah!

A question asked a lot is about my job or what kind of work am I doing. I’m dying to tell a little here in a bit, however, I wanted to share one of my opportunities that got the ball rolling for New York, and it started with a call.

The call was like preparing for a final exam or better yet an entrance exam into the illustrious domain of children’s publishing (in which I created a fantasized world of working in), as I propped my laptop up upon several books, just the right height so that my aging lines on my face appeared diminished, turning on my Skype. I was so nervous preparing for the interview and had a hard time taming down my anxiety over the 24 hours prior to it, and especially that very same morning having to be at work at 6am, preparing for an ad set. I wore myself out. My computer screen lit up with an incoming call, as the president of the literary agency came into view. 

We chatted more in a conversational flow with moments of intellectual adherence to the purpose of the call, ending with an exchange of a definite interest in having me on board. I was given a few writing assignments over the next couple of days that ended with a hitch, an invitation…could I come in and meet with her in person? She needed someone to start right away and I was in Phoenix. I knew then that if what opportunities that I thought I really wanted was in NYC, then I needed to be in NYC. A week later, I voiced, “I’m going to New York.” And a little over two weeks after that, I was on my way.

An agonizing two months had gone by leading up to this Skype interview. I was grasping at straws, hoping to not pick the short one, while teetering between Phoenix, Boston, Chicago, and New York, prepared to go where the opportunity would take me. That would make sense, right? Offers started coming in from Boston working for Follet (an educational product company), no more than an entry level position, in their bookstores. I really desired to have a job offer, that would be my deciding factor on where I ended up. Nonetheless, just as I am writing to you, almost in a backwards story telling fashion, my life seems to go. No! Move first, Jane. Then secure a job is how I played this one out…IKES! Maybe I did originally pick the short straw!

The groove of the magnetic pull towards NYC, clicked into place shortly after that Skype call and had me linked in at the tail end with great centrifugal force, like in that crazy game, Crack the Whip. Little did I know what I was looking for and the direction I intended to go, that the centrifugal force would veer me off into something totally different.

Yes, I have a job, one that I would not consider earning money for. I only work four days out of the week, with three day weekends, and here in NYC you get paid every week. My weekly pay is enough to where I can nearly make my month’s rent by the end of the first week. Not too shabby, plus I get to visit bookstores, go shopping, read lots of picture books, attend events at the library, made an appearance on TV, create and paint artwork, make little fun snacks, do research and work on my writing, catch a few good shows, pet chickens, learn french, mingle with teachers and administrators, sing to my hearts content, get smothered in hugs, discover what makes children's hearts sing, plan and go on trips around the city including riding the Roosevelt Island Ariel Tram and play! This job feeds nicely into my career as a writer where I am filled to the brim with love and inspiration while being captivated inside a child’s world. Yes, many wonderful perks along with paid holidays, and a monthly metro card that keeps me hopping from place to place whenever I just want to pick up and go. I do love my job and it keeps me busy for now as I kick my own butt into gear with my writing.

As for Miss Penelope, she is probably tired of hibernating or calloused from laying around or delirious from bouts of cabin fever by now, barking at the bit to go on more adventures, anything except having me read stories to her. Reading, “The Biggest Kiss” to her had me in stitches! She knows the word kiss and just when she thought I was done bothering her, I would say kiss. She eventually bailed out on me and went under the bed. She thinks I’m nuts! 

We, meaning she and I, interviewed a dog walker yesterday, that came to meet Miss Peeps. It was a mutual attraction and possibly a good combination indeed why momma’s away, to keep her happily content and empty bladder free until I get home. We have this ritual of going to the local pet shop a block away every Friday, after I make it home. She nearly drags me for a whole two stores as she prances right on up and into the doorway. It’s a good thing she is on a leash or she may be sitting there a while before I can catch up to her! We mosey into the store, chatting away with our friend, and it’s not before too long, Miss Penelope has her bully stick picked out and away we go, with an extra in hand for the week. 

I will never forget the days when I first arrived here, staring out the windows into the city, stunned each time, realizing I’m in New York. Who would of thunk that my Goodyear, Arizona job would of led me to their largest store in the nation, three floors to boot with a walkie talkie in hand, falling in love with the people just as much as I am with the city. 

Big hugs and doggy “Kiss”es from,
Jane and Penelope

A Sunday Evening Hello ~11

My Sunday Hello from NYC...

While walking with Penelope awhile back, I looked down at her and instantly my thoughts took me back to a teeny little car with this brave lil pup by my side, driving across the country with only a direction in mind-New York City.

A shiver of guilt washed over me with a cringe of remorse for embarking on this journey with her in tow, one in which she had no say in. She has been my true companion and thank God for her, because she helped me stay brave. I didn’t just have me to look out for, I had her. 

Life before NYC left me with feelings of ambivalence towards life, towards love, to where it felt like I was all alone in my relationships and the disappointment with those whom were there, was palpable. I was eager and hungry for more after throwing all my ambition into projects that weren’t mine, ministering to a relationship with very little emotional reciprocation, no commitment to where one could relax into, and a house that was in no way going to give me what it was that I longed for. I had big plans, not ones that anyone near me could understand. Being a writer was one. Sending out my stories to literary agents for surely they would see the potential in them as I was beginning to believe I saw in me. Maybe I’d try one more agent? Never know they might be the one who would fall in love with my stories. I think I’ve exhausted the list of agents. Then it was a job of being someones personal assistant or executive assistant, which would pay me enough to where I could create a new life here in Phoenix, and get a smaller more affordable place. Those ideas always fell short and left me feeling alone. Could I teach again? Yes, those opportunities always came back around, ones that I would never grab a hold of. Not only was I on a sinking ship prior to unveiling these feelings of not wanting to be in Phoenix anymore but my own life jacket was slipping away. Reins would come around and when I was about to grab hold of one, it went pouf. The last straw was the day of my birthday, that came and went in a very loving fashion, but one where no song was sung, and one where you realized, the value you had placed on yourself in another, never transpired. That’s when I said to myself, “Why put what I have left to give here in Phoenix, when I can and would rather do it elsewhere?

In truth, being only true as one can be with what you are honest enough to yourself about, the admitting of all things having gone astray, was rather the catharsis to admitting to my own situation and definitely a step forward.

Those closest to me saw it, could sense my inner struggle of letting my soul guide me with my only silver linings being; at least I had a part-time job to go to, a great car to take me, I can always come back if it doesn’t work out, and knowing that I had to go. Even up to the night before I left Chicago, I booked a pet friendly hotel in NJ so that I would have a spot to go to when I got there. I didn't know the obstacles I would have to face on this journey, let alone the ones in trying to find a place to live that would allow dogs, and not knowing a single soul there.

Here's how what happened next played out in less than a week:

• Late Thursday night, I arrived at the pet friendly hotel in Wayne New Jersey.

• Friday morning, I drove to the local mall to park and ride to take the bus into Manhattan’s Port Authority Station, near Times Square after leaving Penelope, telling her I was going to find us a home.

• I walked a few blocks to an appointment to look for a place to stay, a room to rent. My gut said, “Yuck” upon entering the building and talking to the lady at the desk. I sat down not far from there out in Times Square, crying, holding my head in my hands, not knowing what to do next. This is one of those times that I threw my hands up in the air and asked “Now what am I suppose to do?!!” Instead of searching for more similar places, I headed back to Penelope to re-group. Yes, I laid myself on the bed and boo hoo’d but I felt safe there.

• Friday night thru Sunday evening, I searched frantically online for places to stay. In the meantime, I got our hotel half off thru Hotwire, found an awesome park dog park, as several synchronicities in what I desired, actually happened(which astounded me), fell into place. The signs and answers to “Now what am I suppose to do?”, started coming. By Sunday night, I had three appointments of places to look at on Monday.

• Monday morning, I went back into Manhattan by bus. I hopped on a train for my first appointment. My gut said, “Yuck” before I even talked to the person, while standing outside the building. On the train ride to my second appointment, I received a text that I could come early to my last appointment, which was just a train stop away, so I skipped the one I was going to and Bingo! We connected and I knew before I even walked into the apartment that this was it. I had found Penelope and I a home.

• Monday night back at the hotel, with two clicks on the internet, I found a great car storage place(a short car ride to the Bronx from my new apartment for 1/3 the price of most places, with 24 hour security, and the first month free!). I was on a roll. 

• Tuesday morning we moved in. That afternoon I put the car in storage, and by Wednesday morning I was on the subway going to my first day of work.

I felt the universe open up that Sunday night. Ever since, it's been a steady flowing stream of synchronistic events and the beginning of pennies appearing almost everywhere I go. How did I know to tell my work before I left Phoenix, that I could start on Wednesday, Oct. 1 and actually have everything lined up to that very day?

NYC was more of a calling, a decision so strong that once I turned the knob to “on”, the feeling was in-escapable! I started to feel a sense of peace, a way to tend to my own garden. Everything happened pretty fast, once I spoke the words, “I’m going to NY”. 

I left with NO reservation, what must have felt like to others, as an unexplainable odyssey to come to NYC without a place to stay, without a job to cover ones own expenses, and not knowing a single soul. Having those odds, to finding a place to live in four days, New Yorkers say is nearly impossible, plus having a nice job now. Who would know that within two weeks of getting the idea for a new job search, that I would have a boss whose grandmother’s birthday is the exact same date and year as my mom’s, let alone an opportunity to go to France which is where I’ve always longed to go?

Looking back on how I got here and all that has transpired in the last few months in NYC, is priceless. I guess a sense of naivety and a deep faith in myself is what saw me through. The inertia of events once the decision was made was a strong force that pulled on me, guiding me all the way. The ease and flow with a feeling of “Home”, a feeling I wrote about, a feeling I’ve longed for, is within me now, here where I am in all I do. Life is moving swiftly and I don't worry about the future. It kind of is just showing up in front of me and I know that more fun changes are on the way. Sometimes I just stop and look around where ever I am at, as I take it all in with the wondering thought, “Is this where I belong?” It is my way of checking my barometer, my internal gauge.

Popping into my head often has been the scene from the TV show “Mary Tyler Moore Show” where she tosses her hat up into the air with such happiness and calamity ensues when her hat goes astray. I feel a freedom, a sincere knowing that this is home for me for now to write my beautiful books. What is to come, I don’t know. What inner drive pulled me here, I don’t know. I know that when I walk down Broadway off of the 66th street Crosstown bus, I feel it all. I feel the rhythm, the beauty, nothing feels foreign to me. It is all I want to experience and more. My wee little romantic head of mine LOVES having me here! 

My heart belongs in NYC.

Love, hugs, and doggy kisses,
Jane & Penelope