My Sunday Hello from NYC...
While walking with Penelope awhile back, I looked down at her and instantly my thoughts took me back to a teeny little car with this brave lil pup by my side, driving across the country with only a direction in mind-New York City.
A shiver of guilt washed over me with a cringe of remorse for embarking on this journey with her in tow, one in which she had no say in. She has been my true companion and thank God for her, because she helped me stay brave. I didn’t just have me to look out for, I had her.
Life before NYC left me with feelings of ambivalence towards life, towards love, to where it felt like I was all alone in my relationships and the disappointment with those whom were there, was palpable. I was eager and hungry for more after throwing all my ambition into projects that weren’t mine, ministering to a relationship with very little emotional reciprocation, no commitment to where one could relax into, and a house that was in no way going to give me what it was that I longed for. I had big plans, not ones that anyone near me could understand. Being a writer was one. Sending out my stories to literary agents for surely they would see the potential in them as I was beginning to believe I saw in me. Maybe I’d try one more agent? Never know they might be the one who would fall in love with my stories. I think I’ve exhausted the list of agents. Then it was a job of being someones personal assistant or executive assistant, which would pay me enough to where I could create a new life here in Phoenix, and get a smaller more affordable place. Those ideas always fell short and left me feeling alone. Could I teach again? Yes, those opportunities always came back around, ones that I would never grab a hold of. Not only was I on a sinking ship prior to unveiling these feelings of not wanting to be in Phoenix anymore but my own life jacket was slipping away. Reins would come around and when I was about to grab hold of one, it went pouf. The last straw was the day of my birthday, that came and went in a very loving fashion, but one where no song was sung, and one where you realized, the value you had placed on yourself in another, never transpired. That’s when I said to myself, “Why put what I have left to give here in Phoenix, when I can and would rather do it elsewhere?
In truth, being only true as one can be with what you are honest enough to yourself about, the admitting of all things having gone astray, was rather the catharsis to admitting to my own situation and definitely a step forward.
Those closest to me saw it, could sense my inner struggle of letting my soul guide me with my only silver linings being; at least I had a part-time job to go to, a great car to take me, I can always come back if it doesn’t work out, and knowing that I had to go. Even up to the night before I left Chicago, I booked a pet friendly hotel in NJ so that I would have a spot to go to when I got there. I didn't know the obstacles I would have to face on this journey, let alone the ones in trying to find a place to live that would allow dogs, and not knowing a single soul there.
Here's how what happened next played out in less than a week:
- Late Thursday night, I arrived at the pet friendly hotel in Wayne New Jersey.
- Friday morning, I drove to the local mall to park and ride to take the bus into Manhattan’s Port Authority Station, near Times Square after leaving Penelope, telling her I was going to find us a home.
- I walked a few blocks to an appointment to look for a place to stay, a room to rent. My gut said, “Yuck” upon entering the building and talking to the lady at the desk. I sat down not far from there out in Times Square, crying, holding my head in my hands, not knowing what to do next. This is one of those times that I threw my hands up in the air and asked “Now what am I suppose to do?!!” Instead of searching for more similar places, I headed back to Penelope to re-group. Yes, I laid myself on the bed and boo hoo’d but I felt safe there.
- Friday night thru Sunday evening, I searched frantically online for places to stay. In the meantime, I got our hotel half off thru Hotwire, found an awesome park dog park, as several synchronicities in what I desired, actually happened(which astounded me), fell into place. The signs and answers to “Now what am I suppose to do?”, started coming. By Sunday night, I had three appointments of places to look at on Monday.
- Monday morning, I went back into Manhattan by bus. I hopped on a train for my first appointment. My gut said, “Yuck” before I even talked to the person, while standing outside the building. On the train ride to my second appointment, I received a text that I could come early to my last appointment, which was just a train stop away, so I skipped the one I was going to and Bingo! We connected and I knew before I even walked into the apartment that this was it. I had found Penelope and I a home.
- Monday night back at the hotel, with two clicks on the internet, I found a great car storage place(a short car ride to the Bronx from my new apartment for 1/3 the price of most places, with 24 hour security, and the first month free!). I was on a roll.
- Tuesday morning we moved in. That afternoon I put the car in storage, and by Wednesday morning I was on the subway going to my first day of work.
NYC was more of a calling, a decision so strong that once I turned the knob to “on”, the feeling was in-escapable! I started to feel a sense of peace, a way to tend to my own garden. Everything happened pretty fast, once I spoke the words, “I’m going to NY”.
I left with NO reservation, what must have felt like to others, as an unexplainable odyssey to come to NYC without a place to stay, without a job to cover ones own expenses, and not knowing a single soul. Having those odds, to finding a place to live in four days, New Yorkers say is nearly impossible, plus having a nice job now. Who would know that within two weeks of getting the idea for a new job search, that I would have a boss whose grandmother’s birthday is the exact same date and year as my mom’s, let alone an opportunity to go to France which is where I’ve always longed to go?
Looking back on how I got here and all that has transpired in the last few months in NYC, is priceless. I guess a sense of naivety and a deep faith in myself is what saw me through. The inertia of events once the decision was made was a strong force that pulled on me, guiding me all the way. The ease and flow with a feeling of “Home”, a feeling I wrote about, a feeling I’ve longed for, is within me now, here where I am in all I do. Life is moving swiftly and I don't worry about the future. It kind of is just showing up in front of me and I know that more fun changes are on the way. Sometimes I just stop and look around where ever I am at, as I take it all in with the wondering thought, “Is this where I belong?” It is my way of checking my barometer, my internal gauge.
Popping into my head often has been the scene from the TV show “Mary Tyler Moore Show” where she tosses her hat up into the air with such happiness and calamity ensues when her hat goes astray. I feel a freedom, a sincere knowing that this is home for me for now to write my beautiful books. What is to come, I don’t know. What inner drive pulled me here, I don’t know. I know that when I walk down Broadway off of the 66th street Crosstown bus, I feel it all. I feel the rhythm, the beauty, nothing feels foreign to me. It is all I want to experience and more. My wee little romantic head of mine LOVES having me here!
My heart belongs in NYC.
Love, hugs, and doggy kisses,
Jane & Penelope
Love, hugs, and doggy kisses,
Jane & Penelope